The Mysterious Art of a solitary man
To the Mystery
We have heard the stories of children stumbling upon a rare piece of art or a valuable first edition book when going through the belongings of parents who have passed away. We would all love to find a rare Picasso or Rembrandt hiding in the attic just waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately our story is not one of these but it is a story of discovery. A discovery of not one piece of art but nearly two thousand original pieces of art. Art not from some famous painter who lived hundreds of years ago, but from our own father’s hand and none of us knew anything about it until weeks after his death.
The only “art” we ever saw our father produce was some doodles on a yellow legal pad he always had by the phone. You have to remember that these were the days of landline phones plugged into a wall where you had to actually go to the phone ringing and not just pull it out of your pocket. I can remember watching him doodle while talking on the phone and then privately trying to recreate my favorite ones. Even with these memories nothing could have prepared us for what we found.
To the Solitary Man
The history of our father is complicated at best. He was born in Oklahoma on December 7, 1941 - the day Pearl Harbor was bombed - and died alone in Texas in August 2022. The exact date...no one knows. During that time he had 5 kids from 2 wives, always wore cowboy boots, made a lot of money, bought a ranch, rode horses, lost all of his money, struggled with alcoholism throughout, and finally isolated himself from his family.
Looking back I believe his isolation was to protect us from his instability and his perceived lack of value. Now, as a father of 3, I struggle to understand the decisions he made but completely understand life is complicated. The demons and struggles we carry within can lead us to unexpected places.
The last 10+ years of our fathers life were spent in solitude. We had some communication with him over the years but no one saw him or really knew what he was doing on a daily basis. We were able to catch a glimpse of what he was doing from an email he wrote his oldest daughter back in 2018.
“...hey, by the way I have something that I would love to have your input on..….I have a few things, my guitar, some drawings, a lot of them in fact, just stuff I do as I watch TV...…..The drawings, are just some things I do from time to time with my ruler, free hand, etc...….crazy stuff but they are what they are, lol……”
This was the only time he ever mentioned his “drawings” to us. Even though he does say “a lot of them” we had no idea what he was talking about or what we were walking into after he passed away.
To the Art
It’s hard to describe the thoughts and emotions we felt going through his drawings. As I looked through hundreds and hundreds of them I kept seeing an image being repeated. This particular image spoke to me in a way that is very hard to put into words. To me it was a very feminine but strong figure. Immediately I said to myself, “Her name is Lilith.”
Of the nearly 2,000 drawings he left behind, around 600 of them are of Lilith or have her in them. What is she? Who is she? Is she even a she at all? My sister believes it comes from his own initials and morphed its way into an avatar of himself. I am not so convinced. The answer to this mystery will never truly be known. The answer died when he died, and the mystery was born. But what is for certain is this image meant something to my father. When my father’s body was found, there she was drawn on a paper plate at his feet. Yes, a paper plate. Was this just an accident of fate or was it more? I want to believe it was more.
To Lilith
The history of Lilith is pretty complicated. We see her name first appear in the Hebrew Bible, in Isaiah 34:14. She then shows up in the ‘Alphabet of ben Sirach’ which gives us an alternative creation story where she was the first woman but leaves Adam because of her refusal to be subservient and her desire instead to be his equal. In this version even God could not persuade her to return even at dire consequences. Regardless of what version of her you think is accurate, it is clear she is a powerful and independent woman who stands up for herself and refuses to be oppressed.
Do I think my father was actually drawing Lilith? Most certainly, no. But we know from the hundreds of drawings of this figure that it held a deep meaning to him. He was a very strong and stubborn man. This was clear to anyone who knew him. He did demand a certain level of submission from those close to him. In the end did he realize this? Is this figure standing with opened arms surrendering to the fact that we are all equals? Did these drawings represent the women in his life who stood up to him in those tough moments? Does he wish he could go back and allow them to be his equal? Are they of himself, like my sister suggests, opening up his arms in love to all of us?
The truth is we will never know. What do you see? What does it mean to you?
Sometimes the mysteries in life are better left mysteries.
A Small Collection of Lilith
